Okay, I just like saying his name…is that weird?! I don’t care.

And actually, this isn’t even about Simba.

This morning I said goodbye to my little porcelain figurine set of Kiara and Kovu; sent them off to their new home, their eBay winner. In case you don’t know/your memory needs refreshing, Kiara is the darling daughter of Simba and Nala. In Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, Kiara falls in love with Kovu, a sexy young lion (with the same color scheme as Scar)  from the rival group of lions. This, of course, depicts before they fell in love but rather, when they first became friends as adorable cubs.

I was sad to see them go, but alas, I can’t keep all of my really cool things and I’m trying to make as much extra money as possible. I have more Disney figurines like this, but they’re either not in good selling condition and/or too sentimentally precious. Alice has no feet, Esmerelda has missing one foot…and Eric holding Ariel and Flic are perfectly in tact but I love them all too much.

Perhaps I would have never considered selling them if Lion King 2 was just better…so many things were wrong with it…but perhaps I shall save those details for another day. But, one thing I must tell you now, so you don’t hate me too much for selling these two adorable lions:

Kovu, while sexy like Simba, is an idiot.

Okay, without explaining the entire movie, you just need to know this. Like I mentioned before, Kovu is from the rival group of lions that are not part of Pride Rock. They’re scruffy and roughed-up looking, and they happen to worship Scar as a cult-leader. Even though Kovu looks like Scar, I don’t think he is supposed to be Scar’s son. His mother, at least I think I recall her being his mother, has two other children; one girl voiced by Gretchen Weiners and one older screw-up, scraggly brother voiced by Andy Dick. I personally believe that this mother, Zira, made some evil, twisted love with Scar and this resulted in Nuka, the pathetic older brother who looks just like Scar, but then some years later she found another lion (after Scar’s death?) and had two cubs with him.

This better sums up Nuka, who actually has the best parts in the movie because he is hilarious and deranged:

All of the stems of lineage are never explained, but I assume that my theories are correct because Kovu is the love interest here, in love with Simba’s daughter…so they can’t be cousins…yes, I know, Nala is most likely Simba’s sister but I hold onto the notion that she’s not, that her father was a hit it and quit it kind of guy and that’s why you don’t see him within Pride Rock and therefore there is no incest going on here. It’s also possible that Zira just took in Kovu at some point because they kept saying he was “hand-chosen” by Scar…yes, that could mean he’s his son too, but I really don’t think so. Did Zira just steal a promising looking little cub for this crazy cult?! Maybe?! I don’t know, it doesn’t matter…what was I talking about again?!

Oh yeah! So, this cult of Scar wants to take over Pride Rock in Scar’s name (because they’re weird and crazy) but in order to infiltrate the kingdom, they get Kovu to be all buff and handsome and woo Kiara, and I believe this plot involves killing her and/or Simba but I don’t remember how. Whatever, you just need to know that Kovu is supposed to be tricking Kiara. But of course, he ends up genuinely falling in love with her because she is just too damn awesome; her peachy color, her independence, the fact that her parents are both gorgeous and therefore she is.

Guys, here’s why Kovu is so dumb.

So, Kovu and Kiara are having their own “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” kind of sequence and then we find them chilling in the grass, just like Simba did with Timon and Pumba (I don’t know, they were just trying to tie in everything they possibly could from the first one?) and Kiara is explaining to Kovu about how the “great kings of the past” are up in the sky.

Kovu says “you think Scar’s up there?”

Um, no, you moron…you’re supposed to be tricking this girl into thinking you want to be part of their pride, she can’t know that you’re actually one of the Scar cult members!!! Real smooth, man.

I mean, obviously it all works out in the end…I just can’t get over how he perfectly fails at the one thing he was supposed to do.

Oh, Lion King, how I love you, despite your stupid sequel. There is also a new show on Disney Channel called The Lion Guard, and that is supposed to be about Simba and Nala’s son. Is Kiara there somewhere? With her idiotic but cute lion husband Kovu? I don’t know…I want them to be there, though. I just find Kiara to be so darling. But, I want to watch the show regardless, because Rob Lowe is the voice of Simba. Rob Lowe is my number-one favorite living actor and him voicing the beautiful lion Simba is a fantasy I never even knew I had being fulfilled.

I don’t know if I can handle it.

But guys, we can’t forget the most seductive character in Lion King….

I know. We’ll never be even 1/10th as sexy as this animated lioness is. You go, Nala.